Writing (and Life In General) With Anxiety & Depression
Transcript:
Do you have anxiety?
Today we’re talking about writing and anxiety and depression and writing with anxiety and depression. I really hope it isn’t as sad as those topics can be, but instead hopeful and helpful.
This video is based on my own personal experiences, so what works for me may not work for you, but I felt it didn’t hurt to share.
I’ve always dealt with faulty mental health. I’ve been professionally diagnosed with depression since I was five years old and diagnosed with generalized anxiety since my early teens. I’ve never had a normal experience of what mental health is supposed to be, but that’s also given me a lot of time to figure out coping mechanisms that work for me.
I think a lot of people assume that because I do YouTube that I am very good socially or even on camera and that’s not true.
I don’t actually have many friends locally at all. Part of the reason I do YouTube is that it gives me the opportunity to share myself the way I want to be seen. Polished, clear, effective.
I don’t even allow anyone else to be in the house while I film because I mess up so many times. And also because they are very, very loud. Even the dogs. I write scripts so I don’t forget what to say and I mess up at least a dozen times a video, it’s ridiculous.
For like 30 minutes of content, I only have like 15 minutes of useable footage. That's why people say only do YouTube if you really love it they really mean it, because it is a process.
I’m very internal, always in my head and second guessing myself.
I’m always worried that I’m too much or not enough, sometimes at the same time. It’s funny because I am actually a very hyper and emotive person once I get to know you, but when first meeting or getting to know each other I can be painfully shy.
I am trying really hard to work on that, but it’s not easy.
One thing I’ve always loved about writing is that is a way to work through emotions.
Moving around a lot as a kid, my health issues, and not so perfect social skills made my teenage years really stressful for me. Books and writing were always there and they never judged me for not being perfect. I’ve mentioned before that I used to have obnoxious overconfidence in my early writing years because it was the first time I knew I was undeniably good at something my peers were not.
That has sort of reversed as I’ve grown and learned, but the promise of writing as a healing place has always remained the same.
I like that in writing, like with editing videos here on YouTube, I don’t have to show my initial thoughts to the world.
I can create something and come back to it and add more, make it better, pull it closer to the image in my head.
It’s like thinking of the perfect comeback after a fight, but getting to reverse time to actually use it as you intended. It’s great. I can show the full me in my words. It’s truly magical.
I don’t like letting people down.
I can get a little overwhelmed with processing conversations and feedback immediately, especially because my headache issues sometimes make it hard for me to remember ALL the details of a conversation that covers a lot of things. I take a lot of notes if appropriate.
What I’ve started doing this past year and what’s really helped me when considering potential opportunities someone has offered me is to not give a concrete answer right then, if possible. This is usually a reasonable thing to do because most of the time people who genuinely want to work with you and have your best interests at heart will not expect you to commit to them on the spot.
This should be true of agents and most publishing professionals, so be wary if someone you are considering working with is pressuring you to make a decision right away.
I’ve started taking some time (be it a few hours or a day or so) to think upon things from multiple angles instead of an anxiety fever frenzy.
This way I can come to a decision with a clearer mind and hopefully having figured out any follow up questions I might like to ask.
This also works well for revisions, because my first reaction to criticism is “Yes, of course, all these things are terrible, why do you want to work with me, I suck at life" and then I lay in a pity puddle for an hour or so.
It’s very pathetic, but it’s part of my process.
Taking time to critically think through everything before editing gives me the resolve to face the changes I do need to make and also the courage to stand my ground when necessary.
I don’t ever want my work to suffer because I’m afraid of voicing my mind to someone with more experience or higher authority than me, usually if it’s something big and important a workable compromise that can be found.
Worst case scenario is that I’m overthinking something. I do that a lot. Daily even.
That is ALWAYS embarrassing and I will definitely beat myself up over it later even if it’s really inconsequential, but that’s just a fact of Life as Lily. It’s a fact of life. I actually really like constructive criticism—so after my initial pity party, of course—I don’t often really push back against advice.
Another thing that is really important for me is routine.
It’s really easy to fall behind if you don’t keep to a regular schedule. If you are familiar with anxiety or depression, you know how quickly and easily even the simplest tasks can become completely overwhelming.
You can fall into a pattern of self-destruction if you get into a bad headspace and start to let things slip away and fall out of place, so I always try my best to stay within some degree of normal.
I’m scared to admit this publicly, because I don’t want any future publishers to think I’m a liability or anything, but it’s a fact of mental illness. I work very hard to do at least the minimum I need to stay current even when I feel completely worthless.
I’m also trying to be more open with others about not feeling positive, because I know support is what I ultimately need during times like those, even though my mind is telling me I’m annoying everyone I interact with.
I also work hard to remind myself that my friends care about me and they are not looking for an opportunity to get rid of me, or trying to figure out how to tell me they don’t like me anymore, or that I’m not really cool enough to work with them, etc.
It’s really important to mark your milestones and achievements.
I note down the day I reach a new youtube milestone and I mark special news on a calendar, because it’s good to have those reminders when you aren’t feeling talented or worth it.
I also try to follow Victoria Schwab’s calendar trick, which is rewarding yourself with a sticker on a calendar when you’ve hit your target word count, or worked out, or edited.
I keep kind comments bookmarked and letters sent in the mail hanging on the wall of my room. I’ve sort of gotten a bit behind in replying to handwritten mail, but your notes really mean a lot to me and meant the world to me when we were homeless.
I’m not sure how helpful this video is in actionable tips you can use.
At the very least, I hope it lets anyone dealing with something similar know they are not alone.
One of the most relieving things about going to my first writer’s conference last year was meeting with other writers, published and aspiring, and realizing how much I had in common with others.
Depression can make anxiety about publishing all the worse, because it intensifies frustration and doubt. It’s hard not to take things personally, even things way beyond your control, like what’s currently in market and what will or wont sell. Because writing is so personal it’s very difficult to detach yourself from criticism or rejection.
I think it would benefit a lot of aspiring writers and maybe even those already published to be more forthcoming and open about how anxiety and depression has affected them.
I know that the best thing for me has been hearing from others with similar issues, especially if they are more successful than me. If they can do it, it gives me hope that I can too.
Do you have have a history of mental illness? How has that influenced your writing? Do you have coping mechanisms you’d like to share? Please let us know in the comments,
I'm sure I won't be there only one looking for advice.
Thank you so much for watching. I’ll see you soon! Bye.
*humming Don't Worry, Be Happy song* Don't worry. Be happy. Don't worry, be happy now. *continued humming*
